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Alrightythen, that's enough. 

Get busy reading, knuckleheads.

Are you with me? Okay, let's get back on task. 

Some weeks back I was reading here that flight attendants want "combat training" in order to better defend themselves and their passengers against attacks on an airplane. These RyanAir cupcakes don't look very motivated, to me. 

Speaking to flight crews now; the truth is that you're at greater risk of assault in the Safeway parking lot or condo stairwell than in a plane. And so are the rest of us.  Please, don't get me wrong. I appreciate all you brave men and women who climb into airplanes every day knowing that that very day on that very flight there might be as many as 15-20 terrorists who will try to take over the plane, not with the purpose of flying to Cuba and negotiating for the release of some of the brothers at Gitmo, but with the zealous intent to kill everyone on board and as many on the ground as they can who are unlucky enough to be under their brand new shiny exploding plane.

I get it. You want to live. So what's the price you're willing to pay for it? Is it worth 6 months of tanning salon/spa treatments? Is it worth not spending money to go to Vegas or Cabo or Fiji or Tuscany? It should be.  Is it a better investment of time and money for you to hit the most lush golf course around every time you get  a day or two off? Or, to wander shopping malls and flea markets? Haven't you tasted enough wine? Don't you have enough shoes?

If you want to survive the battles that will surely come on aircraft, you need to take matters into your own hands. Literally. Now.  You need to stop begging or demanding training be paid for by corporate weenies and seek it out and pay for it yourselves. If corporate were to pay for training, which they will not, the training will not be combat speed, as we used to say back in the day. It will be minimal, vague, with lots of warnings given as to what will happen to you if you use it. 

 For you FA types and anyone else who wants to survive the next aircraft take-over coming down the pike, then look at the basics I've written about  here,  here, and here.

I was there at all the all-day meetings when the representatives of the FAA, the major airlines, Boeing, Airbus, the APA and AFA got together at the order of President Bush.

An imperfect but good, honorable man, respected and loved by all true American warriors.

They were all there to find ways to secure cockpit doors to prevent more aircraft from being commandeered and crashed. And there was real fear in that room. Suggestions were made at that time that flight attendants be trained in various self- and cabin-defense tactics and a certain company was preparing to make an offer to provide this training.  For a number of reasons, into which I won't go here, that offer was never made.  But, whatever those reasons are, the truth is each one ~ flight crew and passenger ~ is responsible for his or her own level of preparedness and willingness to act.

I know a bartender who had a baby not long ago who goes to Krav Maga class. The bartender, not the baby. She pays for the training with her own money, minimum wage plus tips for which she works hard and diligently... and she's a scintillating conversationalist.  She's sore every now and then when I see her at work but I admire her for her spunk, for taking responsibility for her own protection and that of her baby.

So what's your excuse?

You have none.

First things first: you need to get tough ~ not in shape  ~ tough. If your goal is to get in shape, you'll quit when you get sweat in your eyes or when your favorite show is on the tube.  Your workout needs to break you into a sweat, leaving you exhausted as you lean on the shower wall when you're done.  None of this sissy shit; sashaying into the gym, water bottle in hand, freshly washed and wearing height-of-fashion workout clothes with your freakin' cell phone in your pocket so you don't miss any calls. If you won't dedicate yourself to at least 45 minutes of gut-wrenching toil, then you ~ flight attendant or not ~ deserve to get your ass beat. Why? Because you don't deserve to be trained or protected, you only deserve that for which you're willing to pay.  And since you won't pay the price, you'll get exactly what you deserve.

So, let's get you geared up.

This is okay; a regular sweat suit, nothing' fancy.

This is not okay. In fact, if I see you in this queer gear, you have to be my slave forever.

 
This is just fine, ladies.

  
 Not this. Please. I'm beggin ya.

Anyway, wherever you go for PT, do this:

• Push hard hard hard through your workout
• Train like you'll fight, no partner to slow you down, no breaks 
• No toting a water bottle like you're going to die of thirst, you can chug some of this when you're done
• No sitting on a machine between sets, you're moving all the time
• No iPod or other such distractions ~ the only thing you need to hear in your head is you telling yourself again and again, I will not submit, I will not submit, I will not submit
• If someone's on a machine you need to use in your routine, then adapt and overcome: use another machine that works similarly to the busy one, or just do push-ups or sit-ups till the machine is free

Part of your workout needs to be you hitting something, as in the video below:

What you're seeing in the video is, for the most part, something called a Straight Blast, or chain-punching.  You can call it whatever you'd like, it's just a ton of fast and furious fist strikes by which you render your opponent unable to hit you, because you're all over him like a hobo on a muffin.

Martial arts a/o boxing punches take too long to set up and deliver and so are more easily defended against, while straight blasts strike with overwhelming force and speed.  The straight blast can be used while on your back, knees or standing up. When you straight blast, punch for the groin if you're on your knees; aim for the face, throat and chest when facing the bad-guy on your feet; and for the neck and base of the skull when you're flanking or behind him or her. 

Behind? Yes. It's okay to hit someone from behind.

Her? Yes, you might be fighting a girl.

If you're on your back or knees, don't stay in that position. Try to get up and punch from a position of balance and power.

Now, there are all sorts of tactics to deploy or use in a fight and you can come up with a lot of what might turn out to be useless advice if you buy into one method or tactic. But fighting principles never change. Here are some of them:

• You must be on the attack until threat stops.
• Don't fall for feigning fighters, pretending to be hurt so you'll back off. Beat them until they are certainly unable to fight back.
• If you stop because you hurt the bad-guy and you feel sorry for him or her, he or she might kill you.
• If you stop to take care of a boo-boo, he or she will kill you.
• It's okay to hit girls and people who wear glasses.
• It's okay to hit someone from behind.
• The longer the fight goes on, the more likely you'll get hurt or killed so you need to subdue the terrorist as quickly as possible.
• Always be looking for the second man or woman, the ones who will stab you in the back... literally.
• When chain-punching, try to keep your weight on your front foot. You want to step into a terrorist, not be backing away and when you keep your weight on your front foot it allows you to practically leap into an attackers face.
• The best defense against chain-punching is for you to take the puncher to the floor and choke him out. Believe me, I know.
• If someone is fighting a terrorist, do all you can to help, don't assume the good-guy will win just because he has a momentary advantage.

 
Except for this guy: he's on his own.

The elements of a successful attack are: surprise, speed, audacity and violent force.

• Striking him before he hits you permits you to end the fight before it begins
• Speedy movements don't allow for adequate defense or counterattack from the terrorist
• Audacity or fearlessness lets you act with focus and resolve, increasing your chances of victory
• Violent, brutal force ~ as opposed to a timid shove or poke ~ is required because the longer the fight goes on, the greater chance you have of losing it.

In a cabin fight, you must first recognize that you must fight or die.  Die? Yes. because in such a fight, you have nowhere to run. Once you fully accept that fact, your fight or flight impulse will be on fight and you can then proceed to kick some ass.  It's best to have your fight impulse switch set to fight in advance, your decision already made.

Once you as a reasonable man or woman accept the fact that you are in a life or death situation and choose the fight impulse, you need to override your fear. Fear?  Yes, your fear of getting hurt or hurting the bad-guy.  I had to wrestle with that fear early in my career but once I saw that a little of my own blood flowing and some passing pain didn't mean I was going to die and that I was fully capable of putting some asshole down for the count, that fear never came back.  So, focus on what you will do to the bad-guy or girl.  Don't think of a terrorist as a person or rationalize by deciding you won't attack because the terrorist is a girl. A female terrorist is more likely to cut your throat or shoot you without provocation than her male counterpart because she might feel she has something to prove to the brothers.  You should see any terrorist as an object, no more than body parts which you will kick, strike, throw, break, choke, bite, etc. until he or she is defeated.

For maximum advantage, you need to attack first and not wait to see if a/o how hard a terrorist will hit you, like it's some macho pub contest and if you lose it will only cost you a beer.  You must hit first hard and fast and continue your attack until he's no longer a threat. In this situation, the best offense is not a good defense.  I looked for some training video on how to punch a very bad someone in the throat, but couldn't find anything but this movie clip above.  Don't go around trying this on slow clerks at the post office or the baby-sitter who had her boyfriend over while you were out on date night. A version of this tactic is used by professional bodyguards, which I imagine you are not.  So, if the situation dictates and you make the decision to go for the throat, understand that what you're doing will at least have the bad-guy fighting for breath for a few minutes, during which time you can restrain him ~ or, you will collapse his trachea and he will die.

Any and all of these tactics are completely your choice. I'm not telling you do do or not do any of these at any time to any person.

I'm merely putting some options on the table, which you may or may not choose to use in defense of your life.

 

There is nowhere to run away up there, is there? So you gotta restrain the bad-guys and keep them outta the way until the Captain can get the plane on the ground. Use available items to tie them up and do it tightly. Don't be worried about cutting of the circulation to their arms with your bonds. Rule of thumb: slide your finger under any restraint as you're putting it on the subdued bad-guy ~ that's enough space for him to not lose circulation in his hands.

In closing, I'll tell you that I recently took a trip back east. Here are some observations from those flights:

Though the flight attendants told us it's not permissible for us to use cell phones during certain parts of the flight, there was no specific declaration that it's okay for passengers to report someone who is seen to be using his or her cell phone during flight.  This needs to change.

One particular airline writes:You may use your cell phone on-board until the flight attendant advises that it must be switched off. During the flight, cell phones may be activated only in the airplane/flight mode, with the cellular transmitting function switched off.  If you plan to use your phone after landing, keep it available, as FAA regulations require passengers to remain seated all carry-on baggage to remain stored until the seat-belt sign has been switched off.

My questions:

• Do flight attendants check to see if phones are in airplane/flight mode? Nope.
• If it's okay to have your cell phone available ~ which presumably can mean it's in your hands ~ when a plane is on final approach over a city ~ the most likely detonation point ~ what countermeasures do flight attendants deploy to detect phones that are not in airplane/flight mode and can be used to detonate a bomb? Nothing that I could see. 

Some planes now have built-in cell phone detectors but on the ones which don't have that nifty accessory, the cell phone detector here, and another depicted below, might be an option. From the front or rear of the passenger cabin, or while walking up and down the aisle checking for fastened seat-belts, flight crews can scan for cell phones in operational mode and then demand the phone from anyone found with one in operational mode. Any shitty little dirt-bag found using his or her phone at the wrong time can pick it up at the door, from the local police.

And, finally; if it can't be made a law, then individual airlines should make it a policy: If you use your cell phone when you're not supposed to on any of our planes, you won't be permitted to fly on our planes again.  

Okay, I'm done for now. Get busy.

Here's mine. Where's yours?

Comments

[greg]

Good stuff to read. I am almost 61 now and so far out of shape I don't think I could get into shape with having a heart attack. But the "hitting something" sounds like a good idea. Keep the jabs strong.

[NextVoiceUHear]

I was cool with all of this until I was forced to gaze upon [gag] The Blue Balled Spider Thing...

Is >> that << what the libs call a "teabagger" ???

Good work as always, Undaunted.
NVUH